Dear Lily June,
Please read the following, and get back to me quickly with any potential revisions. This should hit the presses as soon as possible to garner large-scale interest in the scientific, psychological, and possibly even paranormal communities.
OFFICIAL PRESS RELEASE:
At only fourteen months old, Lily June Moore has hit another major milestone, months ahead of schedule. She could now be officially certified as what mostly childhood development specialists would call “a freaking genius.”
The public (mostly her mother) have been nail-biting worrywarts over her language development–especially since, as LJ became more mobile on her legs, her baby babble slowed to a crawl. We all were tricked into believing her speech was regressing. We were wrong.
On Thursday, July 28, 2016, while her mother, Alyssa, was at work, and her father, Ryan, was working from home, his attention rapt by readings, syllabi plans, and the screen of his computer, Lily June screamed out to be noticed, “Da-da!” Loudly. Intentionally. Like a boss.
Immediately, Ryan lifted his head from his work, looked down into LJ’s darling eyes and asked, “What is it, Lily?”
To which, Lily June miraculously responded, in words she has never used before, in the form of a full sentence:
And what’s more? Lily June Moore had indeed pooped in that moment.
But if you think that’s the end of the story, you’re wrong again.
These astounding grammatical gymnastics weren’t just a 14-month-old demonstrating an uncanny understanding of the finer points of communication: capturing attention, initiating ego individuation, conveying a need.
In fact, it was a prescient prediction. Some might say, a warning.
Later that night, Alyssa was running LJ’s bath after a family swim at the pool. Lily, free for a scant moment from her restrictive swim diaper, airing out her nethers by toddling them at high speeds through the apartment, decided to pull a first. Another.
The pride in her first sentence still palpable in the air and instilling in LJ an extraordinary feeling of can-do, she squatted in the doorway of her parents’ bedroom, and did it again, this time with no announcement.
Lily June Moore had indeed pooped in that moment. Right on the carpeted floor. Then stepped in it as she ran from her accomplishment. And only hours ago, she had both predicted and proudly announced it.
Such talent, skill, and modesty in one so young. It’s hard not to admire it.
All of which is to say, kiddo, that if you’re ever a parent someday, be prepared to cultivate a very complicated relationship with poop. You’ll alternate being horrified by, and proud of, it. Sometimes in the same day, hour, or even minute.
But you talked, girl! You DID IT. That officially makes you, as they used to say in the parlance of your mother’s youth, the “shiz-nit.”
- Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=958049