Dear Lily June,
I owe you updates on the bad things, like how deeply I’ve sunk into a staggering depression, how hard I’m fighting it so that you can see that that kind of fight is winnable. But this summer, I mostly came home like a zombie in a coma glazed over and slept on the good days, and on the bad, I couldn’t stop weeping and reached out to hotlines on my drive home from work just to “sober me up” (so to speak) so I could put a smile on when I got home to see you.
I owe you updates on the good things, like how we’ve bought and moved into a house and were given a puppy and we are all learning to navigate what that means to our family to have the room to make our new kinds of messes in.
I owe you updates on how amazing you’ve grown to be, already at two years old, able to ride a tricycle and declare with more self-confidence that I’ve ever held in my pinkie finger, “I know I’m pretty.” Recently, you told me, “Mommy, I don’t have to love you back, but I do” expressing not only a mastery of language at two that is staggering, but also an impressive understanding of love as a philosophical choice.
Then, to ease my anxieties that you might choose NOT to love me, was another conversation we’d had. I’d hurt my shoulder and couldn’t pick you up, so I told you, “Oh, LJ. I’m broken. You’ll have to get a new mommy,” to which you replied, “Mom, it’s just your shoulder. I don’t want to kiss a new mommy.”
But oh, my dear, in these American times, in my despair, I don’t even have the words to focus on the sweetness in the ways it deserves to be dwelt on. The first thing I’ve written in months has been a long and laborious poem, that I share with you below on the off chance that you ever want to know what it was like living in the era of the Charlottesville rally and similar others. Forgive me for such a pale offering to such an important time in history.
I tell you this, my darling dear, I’m embarrassed by what I’ve written. By what I’ve believed. By who I’ve been. But I can also tell you this: Every day you’re alive is a new opportunity to do something different and be someone different. May you make better choices than your mother (the very same prayer the poem ends in.)
In the meantime, I’ve set up yet another appointment on Monday with yet another doctor to fix yet more problems with my mental health. I hope someday you’ll be able to tell me, “Mom. It’s just your broken brain. I don’t want to kiss a new mommy.”
***
PRIVILEGE
I, too, have continued to talk
when I should have known
better than to interrupt the dead
and their envious eloquence.
I, too, have kept talking when I
should have known better than to
interrupt the living who’ve lived through
what I can only speak to. I, too,
have remained silent, failing to call
out all the pots in my life who
have claimed their lives matter
as much as the kettles’ and I, too,
have explained the implied “matter,
too” as if language were a great equalizer
even while ignoring the irony that
writing “I, too” will inherently apply
to some and not others. I, too,
have written the words “people of other
races” hearing, but refusing to listen to,
how disparity screams beneath constructions
that default people who look, on the surface,
like me. I have lingered on surfaces,
too, being afraid of skin color artificial
as the color of a hoodie, even
while knowing, in my bones, how ugly
that makes me. I have believed the lies
the news has fed me, even while I
now mentally defend journalism
from claims that it’s all sensationalism
and fake, too, believing there’s no such
thing as alternative capital-T Truth. I,
too, have feared that the Show and the
Stormer both represent America’s
poles with no need for polls, Daily.
Between them both, I am afraid,
via Godwin’s law, that any unpleasant
discussion, gone on too long, will bring up
a false equivalency with Hitler, and that those
tendencies strip agency and meaning
from real Holocaust survivors. But I,
too, like Anne Frank, want to believe “in
spite of everything…that people are really
good at heart,” even though I am no
Frank, nor will ever be, and am cynical enough
to think that if we tweeted her diary today,
piece by piece, she’d get likes, but not
retweets. I, too, have forgotten
what social media is—a mirror you shine
a flashlight into only to see a million
mirrors shine behind you, one you cannot
ask to show the fairest of all because
there is no fair there; there is only
symbol masquerading as reality. I, too,
have believed a gray safety pin to be
the opposite of a white hood, and I, too,
have learned the depths of how wrong
I can be. I, too, have scanned the walking
dead at Walmart, considering things
I’m afraid of, including but not limited to
how safe his or her dreads, how
dangerous their shaved heads, and I have
forgotten how shallow it sounds
to forget that below the scalps of both lie
bones fragile as a human being’s, and
under that bone, brain matter, too,
no matter who it’s thinking about or, as the case
may be, not thinking, too. I, too,
have used expressions like “many sides”
wanting to believe neither was the side
I wanted to sink a nail bat into, and
I, too, have feared the depths
of my own, at best, pacifism, at worst,
complacency, that coat of white
paint thrown over the house the white
president lives in now, whose followers hope
to keep white in perpetuity. I, too, am
the white moderate Reverend King said
was a bigger stumbling block to equality
than the klan member, but I am also,
the one whose ears were raised to hear echo
“Blessed are the peacemakers.” I, too, am
the one who was raised in a violent family, the
sensitive cynic, the one who wants
to believe that people should be better
to one another, even while not believing
people are capable of being better than
people can be. I, too, have confused people
with animals, savages, and I, too, have
heard, but refused to listen to, the irony
in dehumanizing dehumanizers. I,
too, have believed intolerance intolerable
while not knowing what that practically means
or how to police it. I, too, fear both the literal
police and symbolic policing. I, too, have
been taught both who to love and to hate,
and to rubberneck everyone who falls
in the shade of gray between, and I too
often speak in generality. I speak
specifically for Johnny Gammage,
killed in my home town in Pittsburgh
when I was only eleven, old enough to
pay attention, learn about how traffic stops
for black men in Jaguars are inherently
unequal. Some of those cops, from Whitehall,
where African Americans make up less
than 1% of the population, pulled
Gammage over for “driving erratically,”
defined as applying a brake too often
down a dangerous grade, and they must have been
so scared of his darkness they beat him
with flashlights, eventually sitting down
on him, asphyxiating him. His last words—
“I’m only 31,” reminding me I’m two years
older than he was now, or will ever be—
are what I should have told my students
over and over instead of sitting down
in shock on my desk and crying when they
asked me while they should still bother to read
“The Last Quatrain of the Ballad of
Emmett Till” because the world doesn’t
work that way anymore, they told me,
a lie I earnestly convinced myself
they believed. I should have said Gammage
is dead, and I am still alive even though, once,
when learning to drive, I blew through a red
with a cop car in the lane right across
from me. I threw up my hands, an idiotic
sixteen, mouthing at the cop, “I’m
so sorry, so sorry” while all he did was wave,
thinking I was being friendly. I tell that
story now, but I, too, like Kevin Carter have
taken too much precious time to set up
the flawed photographic film of memory
to capture a starving Sudanese girl
and the vulture about to prey upon her
and have not stepped in to help anyone
physically because as a poet, I often confuse
documenting with difference making and
hide behind the banner weeping,
“Speak truth to power” in black
letters on a background whiter
than I let myself consider. I, too,
sometimes want to believe William Carlos
Williams when he says “men die miserably
every day for lack” of the news found in
poetry, but maybe that’s bread and circuses,
too. I, too, sometimes want to believe my white,
male father who thinks my poems aren’t
accessible enough, but spouts Hegel to me
and says, “History is cyclical” and thus,
this time will resolve with or without me,
and I’m of less consequence than a white star
in a black firmament larger than I
can consider. I, too, sometimes
want to believe my white, cisgendered
heterosexual mother who says “Things
are better than they used to be” even while
knowing that there is a difference between
things not being talked about and things not
being. I, too, though, have had survivor’s guilt
for how good my life inadvertently is because
of who my father and mother just happened,
by birth, to be, and I, too, have also
wanted to chisel the commandment
reading “Honor thy father and mother”
to dust that I feed to them over Thanksgiving
dinner, and while we’re there, I, too, have
wanted to take a knee, shred a flag, set my own
flesh on fire like a Vietnamese monk
from 1963 and have these symbols matter,
but free speech would cost more than I can
afford to get my message into the hands
of the people that matter, and I don’t believe
the ears of the people that matter will ever
listen to me. And I, too, have had trouble
believing in anything, and have had to be
reminded by my partner to only indulge
in a spoonful of despair at a time to avoid
drowning by the bucket. And so, I have,
a notorious agnostic, prayed, too, to unite
the right with the left. I, too, have prayed
to unite the right with what’s right. I, too, have
prayed to untie the noose of history, and to
pull the present’s peace officers’ fingers
from their triggers. I, too, have prayed
for our President, that his hard heart
might soften, that he might tear down
the wall inside of it, that his ego, as fragile
as Russian Fabrege, might finally allow him
to see himself as the bully. I have
prayed, too, for the neo-Nazis, so scared
of anything on the other side of their
swastika-shaped window panes, they can’t
even bear to watch the colors of a new sun
rise. I, too, have prayed that this sun melts
the icicles forming in every American heart
with enough water left over to douse
every still-burning cross in any lawn.
I have prayed, too, that each noose unravels
into a cocoon, transforming its corpses
into the beauty that inherits the entire garden;
I admit it. I have prayed unfairly, may one
nation, under God, forgive me for praying
for the torch bearers and their brutally
cruel and damaged psyches, alongside
praying for every mother who has lost
her baby. I, too, have a baby I could lose
in a world where pulling a trigger is as easy
as pressing down on a gas pedal, and I pray
for her that she’ll understand more than me,
that she won’t be so naïve or confused
or conflicted or stupid and she, too,
will know when to hold her voice, her
privilege, still as an outdated monument, and
let it topple silently to the unscorched earth.
***
Photo Credits:
- By Cville dog – Own work, Public Domain, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=21113526
Hi xx am so delighted to see your blog name in my inbox again. Much missed in my blogosphere. Battled a few anxiety demons myself recently but on thr winning side xx thinking of you and your family 😊💆
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Welcome back.
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I was excited to see your post, once again.
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I am so glad to see your post in my feed again. You’ve been missed! I know you say you’re embarrassed with your poem, but it’s lovely. And because it comes from you, I knew it would be. Welcome back ❤️🌹
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So glad to see you back!! I was concerned!
A great post! Lily is so precious! Hold onto her love! Let.it cheer you and know you have someone in your corner!!
Prayers and thoughts coming your way!
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I have so missed your voice! You are here, you are alive, and I love you and your words!
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I’m so glad you’re back—I was worried, but didn’t want to pry. Thank you for your poem. Charlottesville is my hometown, and poetry has been proving a good way of dealing with the many feelings of shame, horror and displacement that the rally evoked.
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I’ve been worried about and thinking about you. It’s good to see a post, but sorrowful to see where you’ve been. I’ve been lucky in terms of my mental health insofar as I have medicine that takes the edge off and have been able to avoid my worst triggers. I’ve had to avoid social media and/or scroll past, but I hate how I can only feel apathetic or powerless. It feels like nothing I could do matters, but I don’t want to choose to do nothing. It feels like a situation you can’t win.
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So wonderful to see you’re back. I truly wish you the best and my prayers are with you. Blessings always.
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*hugs * I am so glad you’re back 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 I’ve missed you. Also glad to hear you got your house and are still writing poetry 🙂 Dearlilyjune is an amazingly eloquent 2yr old (I was apparently still pointing and grunting at 2) although, given her parents it’s hardly surprising 😉 You’re giving her a fantastic start 🙂 I am also amazed and impressed and awed at how you keep on keeping on. I wish you always have as much strength as it takes to survive (plus a bit more, to stockpile your way to thriving). I missed DLJ’s birthday, so here are some candles:🕯🕯🕯(in Germany you get one per year, plus one extra, just because you’re alive – I grew up in England where it was strictly one per year, but I think the extra candle is a nice idea.) Alternatively, you could all have one each 😉 *more hugs *
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Hi, A. I had an inkling Charllottesville would bring you out wordwork. I don’t know much, A. I think I’ve told you this a time or two? I do know, a wise young woman told me once “We Have to Keep Living and Loving and it breaks my heart and it mends it too”
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I hate that hate prompted your return. I hate that demons still prey on your mind. I hate that you still feel the need to prove yourself to your daughter though she loves you as you are. I hate. And yet, through all that hate there is love too. I loved hearing from you. I love that your living situation has improved. I love the truth embedded in your daughter’s innocent commentary. I continue to love your words. Don’t give up.
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Seeing your post in my feed warmed my heart!!! Sending postive vibes and thoughts your way while you fight!
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Beautifully put, as always. It’s good to see that you’re posting again!
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I knew I haven’t seen you for a while, so I decided to hop on over and let you know that I am thinking of you and hope you are doing better ❤
Just wanted to make sure you knew that I really appreciate these wonderful stories and life lessons that you've recorded from your daughter which I've also learnt so much from and shown my friends saying *how did she phrase that so beautifully and perfectly??*
I look forwards to when you come back, if you don't for a long time or maybe not even ever, that's totally fine too, sending you love 🙂
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I don’t know what else to say but that your presence here on WordPress has been deeply missed. No, trust me, girl. I’m telling you- like every two weeks or so I’d type your url in on my laptop hoping to see that new thoughtful post of yours. And trust me. Your prayers matter. Your words matter. YOU matter. You can betcha that Hannah is sending you a big hug your way. These times are troubling, but there is still so much good in the world.. Let’s take this one day at a time.
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Come back!
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