Dear Eccentric Billionaires,

You make the world go round. You know you do. And do you know what I love most about you? You’re reading this, right now. Probably while floating around a dollar-sign-shaped pool in the lanai of your palatial estate. I can respect that yours is a difficult life to lead though, because, as the poet The Notorious B.I.G. once informed us 99%, you are forced to deal with this law of causality:

“mo’ money, mo’ problems.”

That’s where our family comes in. I’m here, like Atlas’s best friend, to help you shoulder the burden of your billions. Our family is currently in need of the following items. Feel free to contact us by email to make our needs (and dreams) a reality!

Lily Currently Wants/Needs…

• Her own room. We live in a one-bedroom apartment, but we’d ideally like to live in a two-three bedroom house. We do not have house down payment money, though. That’s where you come in.
• Furniture for her room. I’ve heard that decorating your child’s nursery or bedroom like a nun’s cell can be a bit stunting for development. Ideally, we’d like her to own the following “luxuries”: A bed. A dresser. A nightstand? That is all. For now.
• A sibling to play with. We definitely can’t afford the medical expenses of another child. But we’d love for YOU to afford them, so we don’t have to! In exchange, we’ll name the new child after you. As long as your name is on the list of ones we already wanted to use.
• A full-time SAHM. Right now, I work 45 hours during the week to support my daughter, which means she’s raised by her incredible father. But he works evenings and weekends, and as a result, we rarely get quality time with one another. If you’d like to be my sole source of income so that I can stay at home making crafty crafts with my daughter, I’d love you (platonically) for all eternity.

My Husband, Ryan, Currently Wants/Needs…

• A black Chevy Silverado. This is his dream vehicle, but we can afford, like the Highlander, only one. We share our car, with me taking it to work in the mornings, then rushing back in the afternoons so he can take it back to work in the evenings after me. If anything happens to our precious ride, we’re F-U-C-T.
• Around 200 G’s for his college loan debt. We were expecting to be paying this off until they pry our cold dead bodies away from the Sally Mae website. Then we met you, you beautiful billionaire. (Or just millionaire. We don’t judge as a family.)
• A cabin in the woods (by a river or lake preferably). Not only is Ryan an avid horror fan, he’s also a writer and meditative fisher. We would treat this cabin as his own personal writing & fishing retreat.

What I, Alyssa Moore, Currently Want/Need…

• For my family to be happy. Please provide all items above.
• A new computer. My laptop’s screen fell off. I had to duck-tape it back together. I wish I were kidding. It’s probably a major fire hazard. Help me!
• A not-free wordpress account. You could be the reason this website becomes dearlilyjune.com. Wouldn’t that be a lovely thing?
• A root canal and fillings for my cavities. I started experience tooth pain at the start of my pregnancy. My daughter is now almost nine months old, and I still don’t have the funds to fix my teeth.
• These $400-500 online classes on Creative Nonfiction. When I produce my world-famous memoir and publish it like a boss, I’ll drop a dedication line to you, good madam or sir. Before I tip my top-hat and giggle into my monocle, that is.

If any of the above gifts appeal to you, and you want to unburden yourself of the bundle of billions you’ve had strapped to your back like a Santa just waiting for a worthy cause for which you could be the donor, wait no more!

You can contact me at dearlilyjune@gmail.com and we’ll set up some PayPal exchange or wire transfer. I’m not thrilled about having my own Cayman bank account, but I’ll make that sacrifice for you.

Thanks for reading paying,

Lily June’s Mom